as i drove down the highway this evening, a police car with red and blue flashing lights whizzed by in the left lane. as it came upon unsuspecting cars, they quickly applied their right turn signal (because when confronted with a police car, people use turn signals) and moved aside at the earliest opportunity for the police car to pass. this situation is one of few in life where one person has unquestioned, ultimate authority. it made me think of other situations where this is true. i think someone with a gun has ultimate authority. when someone has a gun, everyone pretty much does what the gunmen wants. guns are objects just like any other objects. they are weapons just like any other weapons. if someone with a machete walks into a bank, you may be startled, maybe even a little confused. but i think few would freeze in terror. maybe it has dulled with continuous use, you may think. maybe it’s too heavy for him to wield or throw it with any real accuracy. but people unconditionally defer to a gun, always assuming that someone with a gun has both aim and bullets. the president i guess would have ultimate authority. the president, however, does not really go out that much. i don’t really know how i would act if i came across the president. with submission and deference, i would think. referees in professional sports have ultimate authority. it’s sometimes funny when gigantic, muscle-wielding enormousaurases that grapple and wrestle with each other to no end will stop at the sound of a whistle and helplessly scurry over to the nearest official to whine and plead for a favorable call. referees are small, nerdy, fat or thin, ugly, and yet they reduce these gargantuans to crying little crybabies who cry all the time and beg for forgiveness. also, the managers in the supermarket who have their framed picture on the wall have ultimate authority. supermarkets usually display photographs of managers past and present, so people can look at the evolution over the years, from men to women, from old to young, from glasses to contacts, from supermarket vest to hat to pin to no supermarket paraphernalia at all. whenever there’s a price discrepancy or problem with the register, the cashier summons the person with the key, usually by turning on the flashing checkout light. this person is the next higher up in the grocery store hierarchy, possessing the key on a neon-colored telephone cord bracelet that will override the cash register. when this is not enough, a person with a different colored vest is called on the checkout telephone. if this person cannot solve the problem, the supermarket manager with the framed picture on the wall is called. few people have actually been honored by the manager in person, but any squabble over price, sale, or validity of coupon is ultimately turned over to this manager who, like a police chief, arrives at crime scene to a briefing by the cashier before vending his expertise. the manager’s word is unquestioned by the customer. also, i think pilots have ultimate authority. when they put the seat belts sign on, you sure as hell better buckle your seat belt.
school is a unique creature. being in school or being out of school or talking about school stirs up many emotions. there’s no feeling quite like the last day of summer vacation, or the first day of school. there’s no other experience that gives you the same feeling that you get when you are sitting in lecture, feeling yourself getting older, feeling a heachache being born, formulating an estimate of how long it’s been since you last looked at the clock, thinking about how lucky you were to be doing nothing last week, beginning to regret how little you appreciated the time off. little else really intimidates you in the same way that teachers talking about exams do. school makes time stand still the same way that people say that fun makes time speed up. i think that’s why students don’t die from all this time travel, because ultimately the super speed of fun and the sloth-like speed of school add up to normal time. but people out of school don’t have either extreme, i don’t think. they may have fun, but normal people fun, fun without the distinct and precise knowledge of what being in school would be like at that point in time, not warp speed fun but normal time fun. in the end, people who find ways to have fun that speeds up time die younger, whereas people stuck in jobs they hate and miserable monotony live longer. i don’t really know what i would prefer, or what i may shoot for. i like having fun as much as the next guy, but if having fun means dying, maybe i’d rather tone it down. maybe people should keep this in mind, and when having a particularly fun time should excuse themselves, walk home, and wash some dishes or study grammar. i have two and a half more years of having my fun neatly distributed to me in small quantities. and for that i am thankful. but after that time, i think i will struggle with when to have fun. it’s the kind of grown up problem that kids don’t really deal with. they have fun all the time, maybe explaining why you only remember like five things about your childhood. in the end, i think it’s best to go with the flow. it you’re a thrill-seeking daredevil, it’s probably best to go out with guns-a-blazing. if you’re more thoughtful, more cautious, you should stay true to your style. once those fun-loving bastards die, you get to run things.
growing up is kind of depressing. you start to look at things differently when as you get older, i think. you begin to see things in terms of the past rather than the future. you begin to evaluate yourself, your life, in terms of what you have accomplished and not what you will accomplish. you begin to look at children with jealousy and hostility and people older than you with disgust and hostility. you begin to become interested in boring things such as the evening news, good deals on anything, interest rates, a cheaper gas station. you begin to think that they don’t make movies like they used to. or t.v. shows. or automobiles or shoes or New Year’s Eve television hosts. you begin to prepare for death in the way most people do; that is, you draft your will, buy a new suit to be buried in, buy a tombstone and a plot, and calmy wait out the remaining days of your life. some have what are referred to as mid-life crises, where they buy a motorcycle and accompanying leather jacket, convince themselves that they will live forever, and leave town for an endless roadtrip. these people usually die in car accidents. people thought o.j. simpson was having a mid-life crisis as he raced down the highway being chased by several police cruisers. it was later discovered that this chase had some connection to a double homicide that had taken place earlier that week.
i think people as a whole are good, though at times it may be difficult to see. but certain situations present themselves that illuminate the benevolence and spirit of the human race. i remember reading a number of articles after September 11th that discussed the image of the cold, impersonal New Yorker being shed in place of the inspiring character revealed in the face of tragedy. Similarly, people have shared stories describing the generosity in rebuilding New Orleans after the destruction the city experienced. And while such dire times call for the strength of our people, certain more trivial occurrences transpire every day that show us what kind of people we are. I think I witnessed one such moment this past summer while driving with my girlfriend, Tiffany, to Texas. We were driving down a stretch of highway where road construction had necessitated closing one of two lanes of traffic, creating a long merging traffic jam. Signs miles in advance instructed drivers to merge into the left lane, and most complied, forming a single file line of slowly moving cars leading into the lane closure. But while most merged into the left lane at the site of the warning signs, a few bad apples decided to continue to drive in the restricted right lane up until the last barricade, then cutting into the left lane ahead of everybody else who followed the rules and waited their turn. it was kind of annoying to sit in the left lane, going about 15, and watch cars in the right lane refuse to merge into the left after having been instructed to do so and whiz by at 50 so they could cut in front of everyone. but what can you do. just then, a tractor trailer, up ahead in the distance near the lane closure, got into the right lane, blocking these speeding cars from driving past him and cutting to the front. taking his lead, the cars behind the truck sped up so that there was not enough room for the car now stuck behind the truck to cut into the left lane that the truck had vacated. so they drove like this, with the truck in the right lane with a line of cars blocked behind him, and the cars in the left lane saving his spot for him, until they came to the lane closure, where the truck was given his spot back and all the cars trying to cut ahead were stuck. it’s the little things sometimes that show you what kind of people we are. we’re good people.
being in graduate school definitely has its advantages, like not making money and having to take exams, but there are subtle differences between graduate school and elementary school that make me yearn for the happy days of my childhood. for example, we have lunch now like we had lunch when we were little. but in elementary school lunch meant sitting with your class and discussing video games while the international student who just moved to america sat a few seats away by himself and ate his native food while others pointed and laughed. and friday was pizza day. now we’re told neither where nor what to eat and, consequently, lunch is less fun. people study during lunch. people attend optional lectures during lunch. students of foreign ethnicities are allowed to eat undisturbed. and because pizza is only a short walk away, no day is pizza day. class is not as fun as it used to be. no passing notes, no fake fart noises to break the boredom, no fire drills, no inside jokes. i remember in fifth grade during the NCAA tournament we would get to take a 30 minute break during history class on days that UConn was playing and they would wheel in a t.v. and we’d get to watch the game. i’m afraid that doesn’t happen anymore. the closest we get to watching a basketball game during class is listening to the lecturer lecture during class. there are advantages to graduate school, however. for one, hopefully, we study with the knowledge that this is for real the last time we’re going to be in school. that is all.
the olympics are coming. soon! and sadly, like stuffed-crust pizza, TGIF, Monopoly, and Michael Jackson, the olympics are not nearly as cool as they used to be. i think one reason is that olympians, like all professional athletes in this country, are becoming increasingly unlikable. gone are heroes like carl lewis, michael johnson, and gail devers. in their place are anonymous athletes who take drugs and lie about it. it’s sad, to say the least. but life in america today is different than what it was ten to fifteen years ago. kids don’t like ice cream anymore, they like pie. people have to budget for gas. people spend fridays watching not urkel but something stupid on cable. gone is jerry seinfeld and in his place some guy named bill engvall. people demand superhuman powers in their movie stars these days, watching batman, spiderman, and superman, too good for ernest going to summer camp or chevy chase getting lost on vacation. things have changed and so have athletes. our olympians have tried to outperform the athletes of yesteryear not by training harder and dialing up the charisma but by cheating, lying, racketeering, etc. And plus we don’t dominate the sport of basketball anymore. Probably the most depressing change. But there is hope. Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone recently made kick ass movies (not Rambo). The gas station on my way to work is back under four dollars a gallon. So maybe the tide is turning. I hope that we find some new heroes this year. I hope that the olympics become relevant again. I hope that things go back to the way they were. And I hope that we treat the Angola basketball team like we used to. By letting them score the first basket and then beating them by 50. We invented basketball; that’s what should happen.
i’m learning a lot during my summer job at a vet hospital. i think dogs and cats are very different from the kinds of animals i’ve worked with previously, wild animals. for one, dogs and cats need their nails trimmed like people. also, they like people. most wild animals don’t. but dogs and cats, they love people. a dog you don’t know may come right up to you and lick you, which i’ve learned means that he likes you, not that he’s trying to transfer harmful bacteria to you, which is the intent of wild elk and squirrels who lick you in the wild. also, cats may rub against you, which also means that they like you. most dogs and cats have “owners”, which is usually a euphemism for a human that drags that animal on a chain and yells at them. most people yell at or scold their animals at the vet, pretending that the pet is usually better behaved at home. usually though they are just embarassed that their animals are disobedient and naughty. that’s okay, though, it’s hard to raise and discipline a child of a different species. has anyone ever stopped to think about that? raising a puppy or kitty is a tall, tall task. we should be tremendously proud of how successful we are at getting our pets to do anything, given that they do not understand a word we are saying and vice versa. if i was given a random animal and told to raise him, i would be ecstatic if he didn’t maul me immediately. i’ve learned that dogs like it when you pet them and cats like you to feed them. dogs like it when you talk to them in a baby voice, but you tend to sound like a complete idiot when you do, so beware. a good dog is one that is calm yet playful, obedient and affectionate. a good cat, in my opinion, is one that doesn’t scratch the hell out of you when you try to get him out of his cage in the exam room. cats come in different colors and dogs come in different colors, sizes, and shapes. if you are thinking of getting a cat or a dog, maybe get one of each and then after some time decide which one you like. the other one can be discarded, either in a cardboard box on garbage day or dropped off at the back door of an expensive restaurant. some people are dog people, some people are cat people, and some people want to dominate and yell at children but cannot conceive. a responsible pet owner, judging by the regulars at my hospital, takes his animals to the vet for yearly check-ups and vaccinations, complains that the bill is too much, pledges to put his overweight animal on a diet, and shows up the next year with a smile and a fatter animal. keep your animals trim and athletic. otherwise they’ll die. and you’ll cry.
i had this one teacher in school, mr. thees. he was as intimidating as one could be while closely resembling charlie chaplin which, as we soon realized, was pretty damn intimidating. he had a mustache, a bald head, and a scowl that could melt m&m’s in your hand. he ran a science class, teaching us about volcanoes, bunsen burners. the more i think about it, the more thankful i am that he was my teacher, because everyone needs that experience of having a hardass teacher of whom to be scared. in addition to laughing at us when we answered questions incorrectly, making fun of us, and generally being a jerk, mr. thees asked unfair exam questions and then became infuriated when we questioned them. he would make us stand in a single file line outside his classroom until he was ready for us to enter, like his was the hottest club in town and we were all losers trying to get in. i think it was his intention to make us all feel like losers. and then he would sniff out the biggest loser to serve as his proverbial punching bag. in our class, that was j.j. j.j. had big glasses, bright, patterned shirts, and was always raving about his new breadmaker. yup, j.j. had a long semester. we all did, really. there’s really no way around a tough teacher except through him. so we all went through him. it wasn’t always fun. or ever fun. but, in retrospect, i imagine he was taking out some marital difficulties on us. peter later said that he ran into mr. thees on vacation on some island, where mr. thees was walking with his wife, who had bruises on her face. maybe peter made up that story. or maybe mr. thees made him start that rumor to add to his legend. either way, seventh grade was the year of mr. thees. for us and for everyone living and learning under his tyrannical regime.
it’s been almost a year since i moved to philadelphia and there has been one thing that has legitimately annoyed me since coming here. i consider myself a pretty easy going and conscientious individual; i hold the door for people behind me, i wash and wax my car every day, i tell people i regularly contribute to numerous meaningful charities. but the traffic lights in this city are awful. they are timed in such a way that you will never hit to consecutive green lights. if you hit one green, the next one will invariably be red. if you are sitting at a red light, you will see that the next one in front of you is green, and only when that one turns red will yours turn green. sitting at a light in philadelphia is depressing. what compounds this problem is that the drivers are terrible. i have some experience driving in nyc, new jersey, and boston, and i think philadelphia drivers are the worst. they just don’t make sense. they will wave you in and then not let you go. they will honk at you for no reason. drivers you let in will not return the favor. they will sit on the phone at a green light and then go when it turns red. today i think was the first time that someone who i waved into my lane gave me a thank you. philadelphia certainly has its charm but i think when you drive through the city you see one the city’s shortcomings wield its ugly head. there was a reason will smith’s mother looked so ugly on the opening credits of fresh prince. she was a symbol for the city’s ugly driving conditions. and those thugs on the basketball court represent the thug-like temperament of philadelphia drivers. then will’s uncle ends up being named phil. being that he is the grouch of the family, it is obvious what is implied.
